this is how i feel.
i'm not posting this because i'm fighting with you, or depressed about you. i'm just reflecting on my life, and how i truly hate myself. don't read this and get the wrong idea, because i'm sure you'll get the wrong impression off of this. the last thing i want is for you to leave, or for me to lose you PERIOD. i want you more than anything, but i just want to post this up here so people can know how i feel.
A few days ago, i talked to my best friend, and i actually realized something. what did i realize? i realized who i am, and what its going to lead me to. I'm Vincent Lu, on the outside i try to be hard, playful, not caring, just the average guy who doesn't give a shit about anything but having fun; but on the inside, i'm probably one of the most emotional guys out there. Deep down, i hate fighting and arguing, i actually care about a lot more things than i seem to care about, like school, friends, anything. Truth is, i'm not any more real than anyone else i talk shit about. Yeah i admit it, but the only one i'm actually lying to is myself. I act the same around every friend, except girlfriend (obviously), but on the inside i know that's not who i am. I care too much about things, to a point where it actually hurts me. (physically and emotionally) I can't change it, i really wish i could. In fact, i would do anything to change it but i just can't. if this ends, i think i'm going to be done for a long time if not forever. i don't know what to do with my life anymore, especially since i care TOO MUCH. its true. i feel like no matter who i'm with, no matter how much they love or care about me, i always seem to love or care that person far more than they do to me. is it fair? no, but i'm not asking for fair. i'm not asking or expecting someone to love me the same as i do them, i sure wish it were like that, but i don't expect it. I just feel like, i'll never find... how do i say this... someone that returns what i give to them? idk is thats the way to say it, but its kinda like that. if you're reading this, you know who you are, please don't leave because of this, please don't get depressed. this is just my reflection on my life, i don't expect you to return the same feelings i give for you to me. i'm so high maintenence that i feel like i'll never find someone who can return it to me. don't get me wrong, i love you and i'm very ecstatic with you. i just feel like i'm going to be empty for the rest of my life. anyways. (back to everyone) this is how i feel, whether you guys accept me or not since i am after all, a "fake". thats fine. leave if you want, i'm used to losing friends anyways.
if this ends, i'm probably giving up on my life. no i don't mean suicide, but i'm just giving up. i really don't know how else to describe it, but i'm sorry guys. i will try my best to help everything, but my heart can only take so much more. and honestly, i think if this ends, i've reached my limit.
sorry.
edit:
its eating at me.. it really hurts..
A few days ago, i talked to my best friend, and i actually realized something. what did i realize? i realized who i am, and what its going to lead me to. I'm Vincent Lu, on the outside i try to be hard, playful, not caring, just the average guy who doesn't give a shit about anything but having fun; but on the inside, i'm probably one of the most emotional guys out there. Deep down, i hate fighting and arguing, i actually care about a lot more things than i seem to care about, like school, friends, anything. Truth is, i'm not any more real than anyone else i talk shit about. Yeah i admit it, but the only one i'm actually lying to is myself. I act the same around every friend, except girlfriend (obviously), but on the inside i know that's not who i am. I care too much about things, to a point where it actually hurts me. (physically and emotionally) I can't change it, i really wish i could. In fact, i would do anything to change it but i just can't. if this ends, i think i'm going to be done for a long time if not forever. i don't know what to do with my life anymore, especially since i care TOO MUCH. its true. i feel like no matter who i'm with, no matter how much they love or care about me, i always seem to love or care that person far more than they do to me. is it fair? no, but i'm not asking for fair. i'm not asking or expecting someone to love me the same as i do them, i sure wish it were like that, but i don't expect it. I just feel like, i'll never find... how do i say this... someone that returns what i give to them? idk is thats the way to say it, but its kinda like that. if you're reading this, you know who you are, please don't leave because of this, please don't get depressed. this is just my reflection on my life, i don't expect you to return the same feelings i give for you to me. i'm so high maintenence that i feel like i'll never find someone who can return it to me. don't get me wrong, i love you and i'm very ecstatic with you. i just feel like i'm going to be empty for the rest of my life. anyways. (back to everyone) this is how i feel, whether you guys accept me or not since i am after all, a "fake". thats fine. leave if you want, i'm used to losing friends anyways.
if this ends, i'm probably giving up on my life. no i don't mean suicide, but i'm just giving up. i really don't know how else to describe it, but i'm sorry guys. i will try my best to help everything, but my heart can only take so much more. and honestly, i think if this ends, i've reached my limit.
sorry.
edit:
its eating at me.. it really hurts..
posted by vincent at
8:26 PM
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