last post.
i can never exactly find myself going to my computer, just to rant to some stupid website about how i'm feeling. i mean no one actually reads this, so why do i even bother. so i'm gunna make this count.
today, is my second time ever having a 7 months with a girlfriend or boyfriend. today, is also 2 for 2 that my 7 months has been absolutely horrible and miserable. how beautiful.
i hate my life. i honestly do. most of you, if not all of you, are probably like "you're so stupid, whats to hate? you have like everything." yeah that's true. i have the most beautiful girlfriend in the world, or had rather, i have a nice car, i have a stable and great family, i have friends that support me through everything, i have friends i can have fun with, i have the ability to buy things just cuz i want them. all of you guys are probably just thinking theres something wrong with me and i'm too emotional. well, you know how some things can just make people the happiest thing in the world? like a brand new toy for a little kid, a brand new car for a teenager, anything. know what i'm saying? well, honestly. i've bought a LOT of things these past 3 months, and honestly nothing makes me happy anymore. i mean come on, i got a brand new Civic SI, i have to be happy right? WRONG. when i bought the car i was still depressed. didn't really help. its not cuz i'm spoiled or anything, it just doesn't make me happy. i can't even keep a stable relationship, and personally, i care more about girlfriend more than anything. but i still can't keep a girlfriend, or anything of the sort. thats only part of my problem. i still fight with my family, in fact i did about 2 weeks ago. and i don't honestly have anyone that i can actually call my "brother for life, or sister for life." i have no one that i'm actually super close to. i mean of course we're close, but its nothing like that. i've lost a lot of friends throughout the years and honestly, i think i've given up. i've given up on everything pretty much.
for my relationship problem, as much as i'm still trying and as much as i want this girl more than anything, and as much as i love her. it doesn't change anything. i honestly doubt i'm gunna get her back and even if i do, what happens if it happens again? idk. i wish my 11:11 wishes actually did something, but then again if they did, the whole world would be in chaos. i really love this girl more than anything, i can't even describe it to any of you, not even to her herself. idk, maybe its just her or just me, i don't know.
for my family problem, i've been fighting all my life. and i still do. i have absolutely no idea how many times i've said "fuck you" to my dad because i'm seriously tired of his crap, and my moms crap. (btw i can't cuss today, that quote is for recreational purposes only and i did not cuss.) they tell me they do listen, they seem like they really mean it when they say it. but i know they don't listen at all. everyone tells me its just "how parents are." but i'm not like every other child. i don't just suck it up and listen to their every will, its just who i am. i'm tired of them never giving me a chance to say anything, or actually accepting what i have to say. its truly depressing.
for my friends, i love you guys. i cherish you guys a lot even though i don't show it. you just have to trust me on it. but i'm not gunna lie. the only people i'd be hurt if they left me would be robert. hes really the only one i'm afraid of losing. sorry crystal, but i've lost you before so i know what its like. i've lost a lot of friends throughout high school, calvin, scott, those who i thought i'd graduate with. those by my side that i wouldn't lose. everyone seems to pretty much have their group of "senior" friends, know what i'm saying? i don't have that, i lost them. although i don't care anymore cuz they're a bunch of fag, i'm still in a way, depressed about it. i just dont really have anyone i can call my "brother for life."
so theres my life. i can honestly say i don't care anymore. i'm so tired and depressed of everything. i really wish i could just die or disappear for a while, not because i don't want to live. just because i want to see how people would be without me. i'm not going to suicide or anything because even though i'll be dead, i know i'll regret it. i only have one chance to life and i'm not going to end it myself.
also, i've decided to cut myself today and give up. but i'm not doing it because i'm donating blood tomorrow. so maybe i can restrain myself from cutting tomorrow. hopefully i can.
if this relationship ends, then i'm done for a long time. not going to do that i'll wait for you forever bullshit because personally, i don't think she would ever come back. its just the personality i see from her. if it ends, i'm going to go do whatever i want. i feel bad for saying this, but i want to try some illegal shit. maybe you know what i mean, maybe you don't. sorry crystal, but if this ends. i'm going. you know what. sorry. i just don't really care anymore. it'll give me the "escape" i really need. <--- that's so bad to be saying, but i mean it.
if you actually read this, then thanks i guess(?) for taking the time to know whats going through my life. i don't give a ________ whether or not you think my life is perfect, because i know whats making me sad in my life. what i'm lacking. maybe you'd be perfectly happy with my life, well that's nice. idgaf.
thanks. goodbye blogspot, maybe i'll post again but i doubt it.
thats how my arm looks like. i colored it in with pen today. i've cut i think 4 more times besides these 6 scars, they just weren't deep enough to scar. everyday i look at them, just to remind myself the stories.
today, is my second time ever having a 7 months with a girlfriend or boyfriend. today, is also 2 for 2 that my 7 months has been absolutely horrible and miserable. how beautiful.
i hate my life. i honestly do. most of you, if not all of you, are probably like "you're so stupid, whats to hate? you have like everything." yeah that's true. i have the most beautiful girlfriend in the world, or had rather, i have a nice car, i have a stable and great family, i have friends that support me through everything, i have friends i can have fun with, i have the ability to buy things just cuz i want them. all of you guys are probably just thinking theres something wrong with me and i'm too emotional. well, you know how some things can just make people the happiest thing in the world? like a brand new toy for a little kid, a brand new car for a teenager, anything. know what i'm saying? well, honestly. i've bought a LOT of things these past 3 months, and honestly nothing makes me happy anymore. i mean come on, i got a brand new Civic SI, i have to be happy right? WRONG. when i bought the car i was still depressed. didn't really help. its not cuz i'm spoiled or anything, it just doesn't make me happy. i can't even keep a stable relationship, and personally, i care more about girlfriend more than anything. but i still can't keep a girlfriend, or anything of the sort. thats only part of my problem. i still fight with my family, in fact i did about 2 weeks ago. and i don't honestly have anyone that i can actually call my "brother for life, or sister for life." i have no one that i'm actually super close to. i mean of course we're close, but its nothing like that. i've lost a lot of friends throughout the years and honestly, i think i've given up. i've given up on everything pretty much.
for my relationship problem, as much as i'm still trying and as much as i want this girl more than anything, and as much as i love her. it doesn't change anything. i honestly doubt i'm gunna get her back and even if i do, what happens if it happens again? idk. i wish my 11:11 wishes actually did something, but then again if they did, the whole world would be in chaos. i really love this girl more than anything, i can't even describe it to any of you, not even to her herself. idk, maybe its just her or just me, i don't know.
for my family problem, i've been fighting all my life. and i still do. i have absolutely no idea how many times i've said "fuck you" to my dad because i'm seriously tired of his crap, and my moms crap. (btw i can't cuss today, that quote is for recreational purposes only and i did not cuss.) they tell me they do listen, they seem like they really mean it when they say it. but i know they don't listen at all. everyone tells me its just "how parents are." but i'm not like every other child. i don't just suck it up and listen to their every will, its just who i am. i'm tired of them never giving me a chance to say anything, or actually accepting what i have to say. its truly depressing.
for my friends, i love you guys. i cherish you guys a lot even though i don't show it. you just have to trust me on it. but i'm not gunna lie. the only people i'd be hurt if they left me would be robert. hes really the only one i'm afraid of losing. sorry crystal, but i've lost you before so i know what its like. i've lost a lot of friends throughout high school, calvin, scott, those who i thought i'd graduate with. those by my side that i wouldn't lose. everyone seems to pretty much have their group of "senior" friends, know what i'm saying? i don't have that, i lost them. although i don't care anymore cuz they're a bunch of fag, i'm still in a way, depressed about it. i just dont really have anyone i can call my "brother for life."
so theres my life. i can honestly say i don't care anymore. i'm so tired and depressed of everything. i really wish i could just die or disappear for a while, not because i don't want to live. just because i want to see how people would be without me. i'm not going to suicide or anything because even though i'll be dead, i know i'll regret it. i only have one chance to life and i'm not going to end it myself.
also, i've decided to cut myself today and give up. but i'm not doing it because i'm donating blood tomorrow. so maybe i can restrain myself from cutting tomorrow. hopefully i can.
if this relationship ends, then i'm done for a long time. not going to do that i'll wait for you forever bullshit because personally, i don't think she would ever come back. its just the personality i see from her. if it ends, i'm going to go do whatever i want. i feel bad for saying this, but i want to try some illegal shit. maybe you know what i mean, maybe you don't. sorry crystal, but if this ends. i'm going. you know what. sorry. i just don't really care anymore. it'll give me the "escape" i really need. <--- that's so bad to be saying, but i mean it.
if you actually read this, then thanks i guess(?) for taking the time to know whats going through my life. i don't give a ________ whether or not you think my life is perfect, because i know whats making me sad in my life. what i'm lacking. maybe you'd be perfectly happy with my life, well that's nice. idgaf.
thanks. goodbye blogspot, maybe i'll post again but i doubt it.
thats how my arm looks like. i colored it in with pen today. i've cut i think 4 more times besides these 6 scars, they just weren't deep enough to scar. everyday i look at them, just to remind myself the stories.
posted by vincent at
5:49 PM
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